But why? Why the draft? It is like recruiting High School kids to play in College. Do you really know how well they are going to do? Is there that big of a difference between a 4.41 and a 4.49 40-yard dash? Really, I don't get it.
Along with the incessant breakdown of body fat, weight and fluidity (whatever that means), we are treated to an endless stream of "Mock Drafts". Mind you, no writer does just one. All of the "So-ordained" experts have at least 5 different versions that pop up every couple of weeks.
So with that in mind, we decided that we would MOCK the draft and decide who we (ok, really me) think that the geniuses who run NFL franchises should listen to because we know oh so much more than they do: (Trust us...all teams will be better if they follow our draft guide!)
Now on the clock:
1) The Los Angeles (oops!), St.Louis Rams- Since the experts say they will draft a quarterback, we say draft this guy: From the University of Oregon, The Rams take....Norm Van Brocklin!- Can't lose with the Flyin' Dutchman!
2) Detroit Lions: The experts say that they need a defensive tackle. "With the 2nd pick in the NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions take, tackle from Iowa...Alex Karras!"-Maybe he'll bring along Webster to play RB"
3) Tampa Bay Bucs: They need defensive players. "With the 3rd pick in the draft, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers take, defensive end from Oklahoma, Leroy Selmon!"- If for no other reason than his restaurant is good.
4) Washington Redskins: They need everything. "With the 4th pick in the draft, the Washington Redskins....take...from any Fortune 500 company....a new owner to replace Dan Snyder!"
5) Kansas City Chiefs: Yes, another team that needs just about everything. "With the 5th pick in the NFL draft, the Kansas City Chiefs take....the Florida Gators" No, really...all of them.
6) Seattle Seahawks: Sensing a theme, they also need everything. "With the 6th pick in the NFL draft, the Seattle Seahawks pick, Steven Speilberg so he can do his movie on Pete Carroll".
7) Cleveland Browns: For the 7th time, a team that needs everything. "With the 7th pick in the NFL draft, the Cleveland Browns pick...Chrissy Hynde and the Pretenders"...Oh...this isn't about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
8) Oakland Raiders: Hehehehehehehe. What else can we say that hasn't been already? "With the 8th pick in the NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders pick....Jillian Michaels (from the Biggest Loser)...to coach JaMarcus Russell"
9) Buffalo Bills: Okay, what does the Buddy Nix, Chan Gailey brain trust come up with? "With the 9th pick in the NFL Draft, the Buffalo Bills take..............................................snort....................."
10) Jacksonville Jaguars: Team needs...defense, quarterback and fans in seats. "With the 10th pick in the NFL Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars take....Urban Meyer!" Little know secret...this is why Meyer has been coy about staying at Florida! (Spread that rumor around boys!)
11) Denver Broncos: Team Needs...WR, Linebacker. "With the 11th pick in the NFL Draft, the Denver Broncos...........pass!".
12) Miami Dolphins: Team needs...D-Line, defense. "With the 12th pick in the NFL Draft, the Miami Dolphins select.....Jerry Jones" Hehehe...a Bill Parcells joke!
13) San Francisco 49ers: Team needs O-Line, linebacker, Quarterback. "With the 13th pick in the NFL Draft, the 49ers select....from the University of Notre Dame....Nick Montana!"-Isn't that Joe's kid's name?
14) Seattle Seahawks: Needs...see earlier. "Uh...pass. We're still paying off Jim Mora, Jr. and can't afford to pay 2 number 1 picks".
15) New York Giants: Defense, running back. "With the 15th pick in the NFL Draft, the New York Giants pick......from the state penitentiary....Plaxico Burress"- Sorry, couldn't resist.
16) Tennessee Titans: Needs....all defense, wide receiver. "With the 16th pick in the NFL Draft, the Tennessee Titans pick....Kenny Chesney!"- They feel the need to entertain.
17) San Francisco 49ers: Needs-discussed earlier. "With the 17th pick in the NFL Draft, the San Francisco 49ers pick.......Mike Singeltary! Oh wait, he's the coach"
18) Pittsburgh Steelers: Needs Defense, RB, O-Line. "With the 18th pick in the NFL Draft, the Pittsburgh Steelers pick...Dr. Ruth! To lecture their QB!"
19) Atlanta Falcons: Needs...Defensive front, O-Line. "With the 19th pick in the NFL Draft, the Atlanta Falcons pick.....A NEW CAR!!!!...oh wait...that's the Price is Right...uh....how 'bout...a laser that will automatically zap anyone who walks into the dome with a #7 jersey! Yeah...that's it"
20) Houston Texans: Needs...defense. "With the 20th pick of the NFL Draft, the Texans take...a better nickname!" (cue crickets chirping)
21) Cincinnati Bengals: Needs....TE, defense, o-line. "With the 21st pick in the NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals pick....Cheryl Burke!"- Think about it!
22) New England Patriots: Needs....Defense, O-line. "With the 22nd pick in the NFL Draft, the New England Patriots pick......the guy from the "Men's Wearhouse" commercials!"- for the hoodie!
23) Green Bay Packers: Needs....RB, Defense. "With the 23rd pick in the NFL Draft, the Green Bay Packers pick....from Southern Mississippi, Quarterback....Brett Favre!"
24) Philadelphia Eagles: Needs....Defense. "With the 24th pick in the NFL Draft, the Philadelphia Eagles draft....wide receiver from Tennessee-Chattanooga, Terrell Owens!" - Cue the irony!
25) Baltimore Ravens: Needs.....Defense. "With the 25th pick in the NFL Draft, the Ravens pick....Duff Goldman!" Hey, everyone needs a good cake don't they?
26) Arizona Cardinals: Needs...QB, both sides of the Line. "With the 26th pick in the NFL Draft, the Arizona Cardinal pick.......Wayne Gretzky!" Surprise!
27) Dallas Cowboys: Needs....both sides of the Line. "With the 27th pick in the NFL Draft, theDallas Cowboys pick....aw...it doesn't matter, they still won't get past the 1st round of the playoffs!"
28) San Diego Chargers: Needs....RB. "With the 28th pick in the NFL Draft, the San Diego Chargers pick....Los Angeles!"
29) New York Jets: Needs....defense. "With the 29th pick in the NFL Draft, the New York Jets pick....Terrell Owens (setting off brawl between Rex Ryan and Andy Reid)!"
30) Minnesota Vikings: Needs....defense. Line. "With the 30th pick in the NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings take....Ziggy Marley (to complement Zigy Wolf then owner)!"....Sorry no Favre jokes today.
31) Indianapolis Colts: Needs......O-Line. "With the 31st pick in the NFL Draft, the Indianapolis Colts pick.....Wait...a trade to....the winner of the Ryan-Reid fight for the rights to any of Peyton Manning's future offspring"
32) New Orleans Saints: Needs.....Defense. "With the final pick in the 1st round, the New Orleans Saints pick....Morten Andersen!" -Yes, the NFL's funniest...and oldest kicker returns!"
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